The People V. O.J: I Literally Can’t Even

“I literally did not realize he was a lawyer” and “You can’t put the genie back in the bottle” were just some of the great lines from this week’s episode of American Crime Story: The People V. O.J Simpson. I honestly can’t tell if the show is getting better by the episodes or am I getting used to the amount of cheesy expositional writing that is happening right now.

Johnny Cochran

This episode was all about the dream team convincing Johnny Cochran to get on board with the O.J case. “Behind every good man is a great woman” (I’m surprised they didn’t use this line in the episode) But seriously, it only took 30 seconds for Johnny’s wife to basically convince him to take the O.J case. And then they called him up and O.J put on a great performance so obviously he couldn’t say no.

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Robert Kardashian

Let’s not forget that it is Father’s Day in our American Crime Story world. And like any other Kardashian episode (let’s be real this is basically a Kardashian spin off at this point) the gang, including Robert Jr head to the most popular joint in Beverly Hills. Dressed up in their Sunday best, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Rob start turning up because they just cut the line at La Scala’s and their new dad is Bruce Jenner. While dad Robert is spewing ironic Gandi-esque lines to his children, baby Khloe wonders what she’s even doing there, and if her dad might be O.J (via Robert/Bruce + Caitlin). Also, monotone Kourtney points out that O.J is her godfather. Let’s all remember that people, because that little tid bit of information is sure to be monumental later on. If that last bit wasn’t sarcastic enough for you, La Scala’s is also serving up a big plate of irony in the words of the late Robert Kardashian. Here are some of the great pieces of advice he imparts onto his children. “We are Kardashians and being a loyal friend is more important than being famous” (Um Paris Hilton would have to disagree) “Fame is fleeting, it’s hollow, it means nothing without a virtuous heart” (Robert Jr could probably agree with his father on that)

ahscrimestory_KJ

But wait, things get better in a few minutes. Also, if you’re wondering why we aren’t talking about the actual O.J case, it’s because it’s hidden under 500 layers of Kardashian dialogue. Don’t think we forgot about Kris Jenner. Girl can’t have her kids all over the episode without showing her face. And I have to say, Selma Blair, you’ve been MIA for 10 years but you came back with the best role ever. I’m still serving sarcasm here. Robert shows up in a hot pink salmon golf shirt, and his ex-wife greets him at the door. I’m sorry, does everyone in Beverly Hills/Calabasas wear a power suit with dangling pearls around the house? What am  I saying, it’s Kris Jenner slash Selma Blair, duh. Kris Jenner delivers the most ironic line of the night, telling Robert that O.J probably killed Nicole, Robert reminding Kris he’s the uncle/Godfather of monotone Kourtney, and Kris replies “He’s a fake uncle, everything about him is pretend” Girl, bye.

Marcia Clark

sarahpaulson

Sarah Paulson has to be my favourite character right now. Her performance is the best, which isn’t saying much because everyone else sucks. She’s obviously the only one with a brain at the DA’s office, seems like everyone else is so sure they’re going to win the case, and Marcia’s over there in her office smoking on a cig reminding everyone she’s a woman and she has insight like nobody else! Duh! But seriously, she puts in work and is totally shell shocked when she realizes O.J’s lawyers are going to make the case all about race. Slowly her evidence, like Nicole’s 911 call gets released to the media, making it inadmissible in court. Are you all still following? Is this intriguing at all? Are you currently googling – kris jenner power suit where to find?. If you are, I don’t blame you. Sarah Paulson delivers the final line of the episode, when she reads the morning paper that headlines Johnny Cochran joining O.J’s legal team. “Motherfucker” she blurts out right before putting out her cigarette.

Bob Shapiro

The biggest slime ball of all. He basically initiates the entire ‘race case’ theme by writing an article in The New Yorker.

O.J Simpson

Cuba Gooding Jr appeared towards the end of the episode, and delivered a pretty crazy performance of admitting his innocence to Johnny.

What did you think of the episode? Join the discussion or Tweet us your comments!

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KUWTK: Mason’s Fish and Kris’ Coffins

Keeping Up With The Kardashians returned last night with a brand new episode. Aunt Khloe and Kim decide to teach Mason a lesson about pets and bring home 2 goldfish and a fish bowl. Kourtney is worried about having pets in the house because pets usually end up dying, and it can be disturbing for little children. Kourtney admits her and Kim had a puppy growing up, but when the pup died early on she had a hard time dealing with her emotions. She doesn’t want the same for Mason, but really they’re only goldfish and sooner or later you’re going to have to teach the kid the concept of death.

On the topic of death, Kris Jenner has a crazy idea to organize her funeral for whenever she passes away, and introduces the idea of buying a mausoleum for Kourtney,Khloe,Kim and Robert. At first, everyone is just laughing at her insane idea, but it is understandable- Kris doesn’t want to put the burden of all the funeral arrangements and costs on the children…so she’s planning it now. But Kris takes it a little too far when she pays a visit to the custom coffin place (obviously Hollywood would have a place like this). Kris decides to take one of the coffin’s for a ‘test drive’ and hops into one of them. Rob starts taking pictures of his mother asleep in a coffin, and even I was freaked out. It literally looked like she was dead!

After Khloe and Kim put together Mason’s fish bowl, he immediately falls in love with the two fish who he names Fruity & Pebbles. What seems like a day later, one of the fish are already dead and Khloe has to discreetly let Kourtney know so that she can quietly remove the fish. They drive to the fish store and purchase the same exact fish so Mason wouldn’t realize it had died. Kourtney also comes back with a bigger fish tank, one with an actual filter…and now they’ve just gotten way over their heads.

Since the entire episode revolved around death…Kim raised the question of who gets Mason if anything happened to Kourtney or Scott. Kris and Kim decide to call Kourtney and ask her, but Kourtney had already made that decision…and it was Khloe. Kim immediately is offended by her decision, obviously it is a little hurtful that your sister chooses your other sister to look after your child. In the end, Kim talks it over with Kourtney who admits Kim’s life at this moment isn’t the best way to raise a child. Kim is always away, travelling, and it seems Khloe has more of a stable lifestyle, since she is married and Lamar plays out of Los Angeles.

Rob and Khloe are totally scarred from seeing their mother asleep in a coffin, they confront their mother about the situation and explain that they’ve already lost one parent, they don’t want to think about losing the other. In the end, Rob throws a beautiful lunch surprise for his dear mother at a rooftop mansion, the views were stunning I never knew Rob could be so thoughtful! He always showed his mother his new tattoo on his arm of a portrait of Kris on her wedding day. He now has both his parents on his arms…and I have to say they look amazing.

Keeping Up…Wedding Proposal!

WTF!? Do they really expect us to believe that proposal scene???

First of all, the sound effects of Kim’s heels against the floor were totally fake and dramatized. Nice try though.

Second, after they got into that fight about their financial state…did they ever makeup? I never saw the resolution…I guess he pushed it aside before Kim could lose any interest in him. Can’t let her slip away Kris!!

Third, Kim didn’t even look surprised…I mean if you really waited for this moment since you were 10 years old…wouldn’t you freak out, start screaming, or start crying? No wait, she did all that when she lost her $75,000 earring in Bora Bora. Maybe her heart isn’t into it as much as she thought.

The funniest moment was when they walked into the family dinner, and everyone starting asking about the ring. Nobody believed them, nobody had any idea as to what was going on…as if the truth would seem so crazy and impossible. This episode sealed the deal for me, he is a complete fame-whore, there is no reason why a 25-yr old NBA player (if you can call him that) would be in such a rush to get married. To quote my friend, “I think he proposed before he f*cked it up and they break up” Well said.

As for her, she couldn’t look like a more superficial spoiled brat…and if it wasn’t for her normal sisters, and my soon-to-be husband brother, I would never watch their shows. And Mason…and maybe Bruce (pre-diamond studded)

The wedding special is in October.

For everyone’s sake, lets hope Kris moves out of his ‘college dorm’ apartment…so that Kim can walk in-and-out of their home without the hassle of adoring College fans.

xoxo

The Royal Wedding: On E!

The Wedding of the Century is almost upon us…well sort of.

Luckily for us, 2011 will bring us not only 1 but 2 Royal Weddings!! For less fortunate generations, one Royal wedding is said to be a magical and once in a lifetime event to experience. Thank the E! Gods (and Kris Jenner) that we have the privilege to not only be alive during the Kardashian/Humphries wedding BUT we get to watch it on television!

Once again, Ryan Seacrest and Kris Jenner have found a way to milk the cash chow a.k.a Kim Kardashian. It’s no surprise that our beloved Kim K was in search of a potential husband. After her youngest sister Khloe got married…and her oldest sister had a baby…she felt she needed a man to complete her life. And she found her knight in shining armour at a NJ Nets basketball game while living in NYC. Kris Humphries…ofcourse it’s destiny, I mean he has the same name as her mother! And they’re even spelt the same!!

The wedding will take place August 20th 2011 in California. E! will be airing this two-part episode (Yay! double the ratings) on October 9th and 10th.