Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Basketball Edition!

We are six episodes deep into season nine of the #RealHousewivesOfBeverlyHills, and all anyone can talk about is this damn dog Lucy Lucy Apple Juice. The drama surrounding the pup carries right into March, so the only way we can properly explain it all is a great big basketball analogy.

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Let’s start right at the top, every good team or reality show for that matter starts with a point guard. The one that’s going to make the power plays and control what’s about to go down.

You may have already guessed it, but in our world of the real housewives – that is Lisa Vanderpump. Contrary to LVP fans, she is behind every major play in Beverly hills history. BELOW ARE THE RECEIPTS:

Receipt #1: Encouraging Camille Grammer to bring up Taylor’s abuse by her husband.

Receipt #2: LVP convincing Brandi Glanville to bring tabloids that had a story of Mauricio cheating on Kyle. All so the conversation could be brought up on their trip to Mexico! What kind of FRIEND does that??

Receipt #3: And third, Lisa Vanderpump dropping the bomb and implying to Lisa Rinna that Yolanda Hadid might have munchausen (a term for people who are basically faking their illness). Of course Rinna wasn’t innocent in this either, but LVP was the one to make the major power play.

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I know you are all quick to defend Lisa, just like Kyle and Dorit were at the start of the season nine. But one too many shady plays by Lisa, and now the entire team is looking at their point guard and calling her ish.

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Let’s turn our attention to the shooting guard – Kyle Richards. Kyle has been on Lisa’s side for majority of this franchise, and we love their friendship. Trust me, we are still rooting for some sort of reunion between these two. But throughout the seasons, Kyle has tried to score points for the team all while defending Lisa’s power plays. One too many bad passes, and the backfiring of this Lucy apple juice story, and Kyle can no longer defend her point guard. Kyle is one of the OG housewives, and I can’t picture this franchise going on without the Lisa-Kyle friendship. Maybe a trade talk is in the works for Kyle…or maybe Bravo will give her her own show?

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Let’s move over to the other position close to Lisa. And that’s the small forward – Dorit Kemsley. Really Dorit is perfect for this position, not only is she physically close to Lisa, she’s also one of Lisa’s closest friends because of their husbands friendship. But that didn’t stop Lisa from using Dorit as part of her Vanderpump Dogs play. Next season, I want to see Dorit less dependent on LVP. Housewives analysts are predicting a big clash in chemistry between Dorit and her point guard. One thing going for Dorit is she’s in a great position to pick off any rebound attention from the power forward….Erika Jayne.

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Erika Jayne is the perfect power forward. In all of this doggy mess, she has positioned herself with her back towards the basket…watching clearly the moves her point guard Lisa intends to make. Erika is never directly involved in any drama around the basket…but she has the position to see it all, and she’s always there to pick off any rebounds or casualties that Lisa leaves in her way.

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In the center of all the dog drama is Teddi Mellencamp. Newly acquired to the Beverly Hills franchise in season eight, she got along great with her point guard Lisa…mostly over their common love for horse riding. But at the beginning of season nine, LVP tries to make a BIG powerplay against Dorit with Teddi at the middle of it.. Lisa takes the 3-point shot with the initial mention of Dorit dumping the dog off at the shelter and tells Teddi to swoop in and pick off the game winning rebound for her by asking about the dog on camera. Teddi is about to jump for it but realizes Lisa’s shot was a complete SET UP! At the expense of exposing herself, Teddi comes forward with LVP’s shady game plan and shocks the Beverly Hills team to the core. Everyone on the court is left looking at LVP who just ran back into the locker room to look over her game notes with Ken.

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Honourable mentions go to Lisa Rinna playing as the coach, because Rinna pretty much saw this LVP play coming. She knew what kind of player Lisa Vaderpump from experience, and spends most of the episodes telling everyone else what to look out for.

Also, Denise Richards as the referee who just wants to get along with everyone and have a good time at Camille’s birthday party.

Overall, the Beverly Hills team is a strong one, they’re just going through a rough time right now while they deal with some on/off court drama.

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This Week in TV!

With a new year upon us comes an array of new seasons of our favourite television shows. Okay, maybe array was a reach because there’s not a whole lot that’s started just yet. (Waiting on Scandal, How To Get Away with Murder, and of course Game of Thrones)

Memorable shows of the week: Girls, Shameless, Vanderpump Rules

GIRLS

Lena Dunham and her crazy bishes are back for an all new season. Totally forgot how we left off last season, but still totally excited for the girls. Hannah is on her way out of the city for a graduating writing program in Idaho. Yeah, Idaho. Adam has no gained control of their apartment, she’s no longer paying rent so I guess this means she’s gone for good. Or at least until she realizes she’s making a huge mistake, which seeing how there’s only 10 episodes a season won’t take that long.

Brunch

Adam’s all heartbroken that Hannah’s leaving but doesn’t show it at all at the beginning of the episode. He’s all ‘we have 10 different ways of contacting each other –we’ll be fine’ and then in the end he finally admits he sucks at using the phone. Hannah assures him they will be alright. Nothing like boring missionary sexy (very unlike Hannah/Adam) to guarantee how wrong she is about their fate.

Shoshanna had the best lines of the episode. This is what’s so amazing about the writing of this show. They have about 27 minutes to explain all of everything, and each line of dialogue has to be used carefully. While she’s picking up her diploma we realize how crazy her divorced parents are, she says “Both my parents are named Mel (Melvin & Melanie) it’s the worst thing that ever happened to me. And it was like the first thing that ever happened to me”

Jessa visits Beadie, the woman she tried to kill last season. Let me make that clear, Beadie was on her death bed and begged Jessa to basically feed her a bunch of pills so she could overdose. Welp, it didn’t work and now Beadie’s angry daughter played by (Orange Is The New Black’s Natasha Lyonne) is back in the city to take her mom back home with her.

Marnie and Desi perform a few songs at a brunch, we find out that Desi is still dating Clementine, but is also still sticking his face in places it doesn’t belong. (ie; Marnie’s ass) Clementine confronts Marnie and apologizes to her for thinking she was trying to steal her man. Oh Marnie, now you’re up against the nice girl! While Marnie sings a song dedicated to Hannah titled, ‘Inward and Outward’ she breaks down crying when some brats around the restaurant start running and screaming. Elijah gives her the pep talk of the decade.

In the end, Hannah is ready to leave. Adam isn’t ready to leave, so he avoids the morning of and Hannah leaves without a real goodbye. As her parents drive of her off, he watches them from the window of their apartment.

Side note: There was a conversation between Shoshanna and Ray, something about her apologizing for making him get into a relationship with her. I don’t even remember that, nor do I care about their storyline. Ugh, he annoys me.

Girls airs Sunday nights on HBO

SHAMELESS

Shameless is like, probably in my top 3 favourite shows. I love my medieval times, zombie apocalypse genred shows, but there’s something special about the raw/real moments of Shameless. I would definitely consider Shameless a ‘dramedy’ a blend of really heavy dramatic moments with surprisingly refreshing comedic bits. I think it’s a perfect combination of both genres that create really great television show. It’s summertime in Chi-town which is going to make this a little more interesting, majority of the show has taken place over the colder months so I’m excited to see our characters flourish in the atmosphere of bbq’s and pool parties.

Shameless

Seriously, if you’re not watching Shameless you need to.

Shameless airs Sunday nights on Showtime.

Vanderpump Rules

I don’t even know why I’m admitting to watching this show. It’s like the worst show on television, or at least the worst example of reality television. It’s so ridiculous, and I know it’s all set up drama, but ya can’t help but watching! Especially since everything else is on hiatus right now, desperate times.

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I just want to say though, this season has been different, in a good way. Especially these past two weeks for Scheana and Shay’s bachelor/bachelorette parties. You can tell that this group is actually friends with one another and it sort of – almost, reminded me of the Jersey Shore cast. In my opinion, you don’t always have to have fake drama to catch people’s attention. Sometimes the funny moments with real friends is enough to start a cult following!

Which leads me to my next point – Stassi. Okay so why is she on the show though? She no longer works at Sur, she quit, and she loves to remind us on a weekly basis that she would rather die than put on a Sur uniform and work there again. Since the season started almost all her scenes have been when she ‘visits’ Sur, somehow has a heart to heart with Lisa Vanderpump, and bugs all the bartenders for a glass of white wine. Girl, bye! Like why are you even here? Last night’s episode had the most epic line of all time. Lisa Vanderpump having a sit down heart to heart with Stassi inside Sur. After telling Stassi she should just forgive Katie for basically nothing because Katie did nothing wrong, Stassi blows up and storms out of the restaurant. Lisa finally says what we’ve all known, Stassi doesn’t want friends, she wants followers. This is so true, and for the past 3 seasons I’ve watched all her ‘friends’ get into all this drama because of her. I just want to pop in and be like ‘ya’ll could have so much fun without mean girl molly’ and by the looks of the Miami trip, they sure did. VR should take a page from Jersey Shore’s rulebook that clearly stated, if you quit or got fired from working at the Shore Store you were kicked outta the house! It’s time for Stassi to pull an Angelina, take her trash bags and get out!

Vanderpump Rules airs on Bravo on Mondays (US) and Slice on Tuesday (Canada)